So today's topic is called Be Worthy: Allowing the good stuff to flow.
It's actually a topic that just came up all of a sudden, and it's really relevant to my life right now. And really thinking about this whole idea of being worthy.
And I do a lot of work on myself. I do a lot of self-reflection, and it still keeps coming up in subtle ways that even if you are great at affirmations, you you seem very confident you feel really good, and you're in the flow of things, and you're doing a lot of stuff.
There are still aspects in your life where this concept of worthiness creeps up. I know you can relate. You know, we talk about a lot of us being people pleasers over givers just going on in our life from day to day. And it's really a problem. actually, from the community that I run one of the most well attended events that we have we do growth conversations where we share a lived experience together, and you know, share our story with others, and the topic that has the most attendance is on self-worth.
So it's not uncommon this feeling. Although when we talk about having low self-worth or feeling the struggle with feeling worthy.
Like many other things, we silently suffer alone.
And we sit there and look at other people. They're like, Wow! What? Look what they have! Look, what they have. And you know, when it comes down to thinking about ourselves instead. We're just like why, like. you know. I'm not deserving of that. You see, those people who are happy there. I could never get that.
Like why would anybody like me be able to have a great life like that. You know, because we tend to criticize ourselves, say mean things, really attach to some perceived mistakes we've done in our life. And really, we're punishing ourselves and depriving ourselves from something that could be amazing. Right?
So I want to get into that today really share even why, this even came up as a topic for the podcast so we're going to talk about like, why is worthiness a problem?
Why is it a problem that we don't allow these good things to happen to us? So like as a result of those things, what happens to us? What do we do? How do you notice that this is playing out in your life? And how can we fix this like, how can we make this better? How can we improve? How can we start to feel more worthy and allow, because a lot of good stuff does come, too. I know a lot of shit happens, a lot. A lot of trauma, a lot of bad things like people, toxic environments, toxic situations. But there are good stuff, too.
And amidst all those dark clouds. Those moments in your life where you feel lost, or it's dreary and unhopeful. There's still that little piece of light there. There's let's not think of of things where you know everything is happening, and something's all bad. There's still good stuff. There's still good stuff in life, and we need to allow that to come in, even though it's so dark.
We still need to allow that light to come in, because we are worthy of it, right? And I know maybe after this talk we can kind of deep dive into that, and you'll be able to see you know what? Maybe I'm worthy. Maybe I am okay. So let's just jump right in. And
It's just like when I have the questions like, why is this a problem? Why is feeling worthy a problem? And why do people have a problem with allowing good stuff to happen to them? And there's I know there's a lot of things lot of situations we could talk about.
This is not all inclusive, obviously, but I'm really trying to get at the ideas like, why don't we feel deserving enough to have this good stuff?
And you know, sometimes it starts on childhood. It's like I'm talking like I'm a therapist. So because of your childhood, and how you were up like your upbringing right?
But but we need to go back there. A lot of us are still living in that with how we live our lives using the filters from experiences that we had in our childhood. And that's just the reality of it. That's where we first absorb things and we learn things. So you know, when it comes to self worth as a child. You know, as a child of me. In my case I'm a second generation Canadian.
My parents immigrated here, met in Canada. And to feel worthy for me, it was like, how do I perceive my value or deserving like even less like Oh, it's really measured on what I did as a child it wasn't even just about, you know, being myself. It's really task or achievement oriented. And the reason why, you know, like it stems from so many deep layers. I can go on this forever. So talking about colonization. And and you know, just even thinking about this mentality, that people are coming into a foreign country coming in here and showing how we have to prove our worth.
In coming into a new culture like coming in as my parents coming into another country. you know you have to come in to show your worth. Otherwise you don't really know how to show like that, or feel a sense of value in a culture that doesn't even know you. You don't even know the norms here. You just want to fit in and feel like you're worthwhile to belong right.
So as a child, when that translates to the children, it's like Stephanie. You need to get good grades in school. You need to work hard like I talked about the story. 100 hour work weeks, right? You need to put out something. Then one day you'll be worthy and deserving of what you've done.
Maybe someday you'll be deserving of my approval if you've done what I've just told you to do. You know, it was like always measured, based on something of what I'm doing to show that I should feel the sense of worth, or I should feel a sense of being deserving.
And that's really where, at least for myself, I had to learn that. So it translates when they grew up like it's like, Oh, wow! I didn't do that great in university. I didn't do as great as some of my peers did. I don't feel as worthy as them to be able to do something. Maybe someday, if I work even harder. I'll be able to deserve a vacation. Maybe I will do something so I can deserve.
You know, it's almost thinking of, like I have to work or do something to deserve something like something that's coming to my mind right now is even like putting in the work so that you can feel like it deserve a treat, right? And it's just how could I allow the good stuff to come if I haven't done enough? And it's really kind of that relationship it's like, do I deserve this? Did I work hard enough?
Am I seen as worthy? Do I seem to be seen as valuable? So as a child if a 99 wasn't good enough, that means I wasn't worthy or deserving of praise or celebration.
So that's like kind of one example. And you know, it's not necessarily the fault of my parents being so hard. It's just that whole idea. They just wanted me to feel like I belonged, like, you know, not to stand out, show my worth somehow.
So they had to just put up the volume when it came to that sort of pressure. And I'm not saying, that's okay, either. I'm like just trying to. This is the way that I rationalize it for myself.
My mom would never admit something like this to me. But this is the way that I perceived it, you know, based on the history of a lot of other people who have had similar experiences, just for me to understand why the pressure was so high.
And another thing, it's like. It's hard to feel like you're deserving of something, because then you start to feel guilty. You feel guilty when you start to feel like you have high self worth like. I'm deserving of abundance and everything in the world, like I am deserving of happiness and love. Right? You know what I mean. Like you start to feel guilty. You feel guilty even if just taking a moment to go: I deserve moments of self care and relaxation, but you juggle with that guilt. That's why it's hard for us to feel that.
Like especially growing up. How I grew up, sacrifice was glorified. Sacrifice culture, overall, everywhere the hustle, like I did this. You do the time put in this work anytime you do the sacrifice, it's totally glorified. But when you're saying somebody is coming in and going oh, I am worthy of, you know the universal abundance, riches and wealth and freedom, and all these things, and then people are like.
Are you sure you are? I mean, there's so many people suffering in the world. Who are you? Who are you to say that? Right? So then you start to feel guilty for wanting
more to allow good stuff to happen, because you'll... maybe your parents sacrifice so much to come to Canada to get this life for you. And this is a real thing. I know people might be like, I don't know what you're talking about.
It's a real thing. A lot of us second generation Canadians, Americans or North Americans. you know. We feel that we have to repay our parents for the sacrifice that they've had. So we have to. We don't even feel worthy of this. Quote unquote opportunity in this place because we have to repay the debts of our parents.
We have to give back to them. We're not deserving of their love because they've done more than we could ever ask them for to come here, and we have that in the back of our mind right? So we will feel guilty if we start to give ourselves something good. Because we knew, and we know that our parents had to sacrifice, or somebody else in their life, or somebody else is going through something harder than what we have.
You know, it's almost feeling like we have a privilege, and we feel guilty to have that privilege. We feel guilty to have that opportunity because things have been handed to us a bit easier. Do you know what I mean? I don't know might not resonate with everyone. But then, if you think about it, especially coming in from that lens. It's hard if it's if you're not coming in from the lens of like being a second generation Canadian or American. It's almost like feeling guilty for taking a break like, let's go back to like, you know your mom, you have a couple young children at home. You feel like you can't relax. You don't deserve to relax, because there's so much to do. And then you feel guilty that you're not going to be a good mom, because you know your kid's snot is like dripping out of their nose. And then but you want to go and put up your feet for a minute.
Do you know what I'm saying? It's not just that one type of situation. There are lots of times when we do anything for ourselves, where we feel that we are deserving, like even the thought of going: I really deserve a massage.
You start to just kind of pull back and feel guilty. A lot of us do. Okay? So it's just who am I to receive this good thing when other people can't.
It's it's a thing that exists there. Other things that could be a problem. Why, feeling worthy or allowing yourself to feel good stuff, it could be as a result of toxic relationships.
And it could be with a partner. It could be dynamics with your parents, it could be dynamics with other family members. There are toxic relationships there that really affect your self-esteem.
They make you feel like shit. You've been through it all like you don't even feel like you deserve anything, because I'm I'll think about one relationship I had in my early twenties. It was a guy, and he would always want to remind me how lucky I was to have someone like him to stick around with a person like me. He didn't even say what a person like you means. But it's like you should feel lucky that you have someone like me.
You're not going to get anyone better than I am.
And, you know, in in certain toxic relationships, like when you have that sort of environment exposed to you all the time. When you hear words like that, I know some people off the bat would be like what the hell like fuck him right. But it's like, no, you know. Take a minute for a second. If you're immersed in that sort of narrative all the time, all the time.
What you're doing is not good enough. You're not making food right. You're not cleaning the house right. You're not doing this right. Everything is wrong with you. And then they just say, stuff like that that I should be appreciative of that. I don't deserve anybody else but them.
It's a real thing a lot of people have. And those toxic relationships really damage a person's self-esteem. Because if you're fortunate enough to get out of that toxic relationship. You're gonna come out broken, so battered, broken down.
And then you're gonna look in that lens and be like: no, no one's gonna want me. And then we hold on to those toxic relationships because you start to believe it, because your self-worth is so low. You feel so unworthy.
So toxic relationships like even not just a partner. But like, you know, a dynamic with your parents. Them battering you down, saying you're not worth anything you're like. I never wanted you like. I've heard this.
You know what my life would have been so great if I never married your dad. I never had children. I could have done all these things with my life.
You know, like, and I know a lot of people have heard this from their mom. I know a lot of people have heard this from their dads, or, you know, a parental figure making you feel like you're not deserving of love or not worthy of being a part of their life like you were a mistake.
Like even a like a sibling or a friend, even, making you feel like you're not deserving of anything, and you have to just be in service to them and take care of them and do whatever they need to do.
This is the real thing. These are real things people go through in their life. And How could anyone feel self worth if their parents don't even love them like that's just like the biggest like the first thing that you would be coming out of like. I'm 6 years old. My mom and dad don't love me. They wish they never had me. How could a child recover from that?
And just the thought of it, like, you know, thinking about the innocence of children.
Then where do they get that feeling from? That they are worth anything? If they were just labeled as a mistake. I'm sorry, like I'm just being very honest, like, I know you're going through stuff like you may have heard this in your life.
And we have to talk about it. We can't be just silent about these things anymore. And it's no wonder why you are having such a hard time to let yourself get the good stuff to come in when you've been just dealing with so much shit.
And now it's time for us to acknowledge like, yeah. That did happen to me. Yes, I heard those things growing up. Yes, you know I feel guilty. I feel like I don't deserve any of this stuff.
I feel like I'm just moping around and not worth anything. I should just be discarded, like, you know, like, just because this is how you've been treated. So we're just going to acknowledge it> I'm not, you know, like this is, this is why the problem it's so hard for us to feel some sort of self-worth.
And lastly, like this is not all encompassing like, I said. But another thing that could influence your perception of self-worth is societal influence and there could be like microaggressions. There could be things that aren't said and heard. Like I'm from Canada, and people are like Canada is great. You know. There's no racism. Everybody's safe, like I know. There could be, quote unquote worse areas in the world when it comes to these things with judgment, prejudice, freedoms, or whatever. I can only speak about my experience. I've only been here.
But you know there's still some stuff here. There's still some stuff here in Canada, I mean. I told you I grew up in in a place that didn't see color. And it was beautiful when I was a kid. But like growing up later. you know, I am very well reminded about all the things that people want to put on me. My labels. you know, Stephanie.
You know, being a person of color, being treated different being a person of color. And it's just a confusing thing, too, being Asian like. You don't even know if you can be amongst people like, if I wanted to join a BIPOC group. Do I feel like I'm allowed to be there, or worthy to be in a group like that? It's kind of a weird situation where I might talk about it later on in my journey. But I just didn't know where I'd fit in.
What community of support I could have, so like being a minority makes me feel like, you know, like, because of the treatment that I get not feeling worthy or deserving.
You know I sit with my partners, even though you know, I'm with women. So I sat with my partner, and a restaurant. And we're like ordering food, and the waiter or waitress, even if they're Filipino or Asian. they still don't look at me. They talk to her.
And you know my my partner's European and they don't even look at me. They might even look down on their notepad to hear my request of what I want to order, but they won't even acknowledge or greet me. And it's just like, how could I feel worthy or deserving, as a person like you know, in the city, as like a being walking around. if I'm not even acknowledged, or had enough respect enough for someone to look at me to take an order. You know, like I have more than enough respect for people who work in the service industry. I've been through it, too.
Been in customer service for so many years, growing up. And then, like. you know, it didn't even matter who was paying or not. It didn't matter about anything other than the way that I looked for people to treat me different. So like it makes people feel like they question their own self-worth. If we feel like we're invisible.
Like being invisible. Actually, I should really talk about that in another podcast, because I think about different other times, where, though just because of the colour of my skin or my nationality like where my parents were from. I'm from Canada. I was born here, but, like just from my like, my ethnicity, my ancestry.
And not only that, just like, even when it comes to feeling worthy as a woman. I'm a cis-gendered woman like, or a woman who, you know, is femme. A femme women, and you know that's already enough. Not feeling worthy as much as men. In different industries, different industries I've worked at like it's always the management are always men.
And then a lot of the women. Then it would be like ranked on like, if there are women, there would be women of color that are at the bottom. Mostly I'm with a lot of the Filipinos, and there's a reason, probably, why, I look at the people around me. We're doing the same level of work and then, you know, management looks a bit different physically.
And just being a woman and not having enough of the same salary as a man who's doing the same job as me, like. I'm even like, been working in places, and people are like 20 years younger than me, less qualified, less educated, and making more money than I did when I started?
And it's like because of a woman. How could a woman feel themselves as being worthy at an organization or a workplace if they're not even regarded as equal. It's just built in there like less opportunities, you know, like even being thought of when you're at work. And they're like. Hmm! You're around. You know, the time you're gonna have a child need to think about that here. Do we want to hire this person because they're about to have a child, or we would like give them this responsibility. You know.
It's like weird, like, one of the places that I've I've worked for. It's like, Oh, so you know, if you go on, Mat, leave. we don't have to pay you right, and it was just like not even pregnant. Yet why are we talking about this? Why am I looking? You're looking at me as if the woman is the best part to save money for your organization.
You know what I mean, like. It's like built in your worth. How do you feel about yourself and don't get me started about like being gay. So I'm just like I call it, like the triple whammy. I guess the bottom of the bottom the shit of the shit like. It's just kind of really. That's the way it is. I mean, if
It's unfortunate that it is like this, you know. Like, if there's a scale, and people use the scale of like worthiness in society. Sorry, but we're not as regarded as equal even to heterosexual people. And then Whoa, being a Lesbian. You know, like if there's even hierarchies there. And like like being being a gay male versus a Lesbian woman.
Lesbian female. And then, you know, we have the trans community, too, like there's these hierarchies there as well of "worth".
But like I've had some shit happen to me in all my workplaces because of my sexual orientation. It's no wonder I was always jumping in and out of the closet all the time, or just didn't feel like it was relevant for people to know and not standing around waving a flag, being very proud like, I don't know. Like. Do gay guys get the same treatment like, you know. Sometimes it's like, do they get the same treatment? Sometimes?
I can't tell you how many times people because and with women like, you know. And then they call me femme like, I'm more feminine presenting. You're just like. You know, like guys just don't have any boundaries there. Trying to talk about like, you know, Why would you have? Why would you go through IVF to have a child with a woman when you could have just done it naturally and or like oh, I'll be the sperm donor here. We can go and hook up together so you can have a baby, or like, you know, like, you know you just haven't met the right guy yet. Oh, I want to join you, too, like
Fuck off right like. How can a woman, you know, like a femme lesbian woman person of color, right?
Feel some sort of self-worth when you're constantly bombarded with all of this. It's hard enough to be strong already given, you know, an upbringing that wasn't so great.
But literally we're on a battlefield every day just trying to be. How could I even feel myself as being deserving of all these other things when it's so hard with, you know the childhood upbringing, feeling guilty for wanting more. You know, toxic relationships that just kick you to the curb and make you feel like shit. And then you have these societal influences of of people just treating you these ways because of all these labels.
It's hard. It's hard. It's so hard. But, you know, like do you? Really?
It really comes down to like, we try to live our lives amidst all of this stuff. Right? You know. Sometimes people say, Oh, we just want to be a contributing member to society. I don't know what these these goals are coming from like media.
You know, we just want to do our thing. Going to feel like we're worthy, like we provide some value. I want to be seen, heard, belong right? But what happens when you're having low self-worth or like you don't allow good stuff to happen, because you're so used to shit happening to you. You feel like like you're like, I feel worthless. You know. Then you have that feeling or perception that you feel worthless like. You haven't done anything. You don't have any value. You just like, you know, it's just because of all these things that's happened.
What happens to you is that you really don't trust anything like you know that saying it's like, if it's too good to be true, it probably isn't. That's like literally your jam, like your whole life.
And like, you know, other people who also.. I don't know people who know me. They're like, I hate the fucking saying, it is what it is, and I will talk about it all day, like I used to date somebody whose motto was just. It is what it is, and I'm like, fuck me. I am not going to live my life accepting stuff that I can change. So when people are so beat down and feeling worthless in their life. That's going to be their mantra.
Their way of being. It is what it is, you know. If it is too good to be true. It probably isn't. But that's the thing they don't have trust.
You don't have trust anymore. Trust in people, trust in experiences, trust in the universe. Trust that something is going to come. That's better. It's always going to be some sort of skepticism, this resistance. You can even feel the tightness around these people.
And when things are like I can get into spiritual stuff. But when things are presented to you out of nowhere to shake shit up, because that's what happens in your life. Things come in. It could be like really horrific, and then just move you into another path to teach you. Go, hey? You went the wrong way. We need to get you back on path. I have to throw this horrific trauma at you so you can wake the fuck up, or you know, life will be like all of a sudden.
You're like, oh. what? This person's amazing! Where the hell did they come from? And then just some opportunity comes in there. Cause like, you know. Sometimes some people go through some really dark stuff and all of a sudden something comes in. There didn't do anything. They just were open enough to see the change. Maybe somebody came into a life into your life and then just changed your whole world, could be a mentor could be somebody of guidance could be your new lover right?
But what happens when you've been burned so much? We don't feel like we're deserving like, you know, I like you don't feel like you're deserving of things not worthy like. Who am I to want to become a mother?
Who am I going to want to, you know, be in a relationship with this person who's so amazing? They're attractive. They're smart, you know. They have their shit together. How am I supposed to be worthy of this?
And then what do we do? Self-sabotage, right? And what's self sabotage? We start to you start to hear it in your language. You start to say things like I don't know why you'd be with somebody like me. You know I really haven't done anything my life. I'm a piece of shit, right to get attention? Do you want to hear some reassurance? Because you're not sure how you scored that really hot girl who's who's like the woman of your dreams, right?
Or like the guy that's just like, why would he be into me? And Whoa, right? It's like. So we start to question. Oh, he must be like, you know, I might be his next side piece.
Or you start to start to say all these things. So you start to get in this little hamster wheel of self-sabotage in your mind because you think this can't be happening to me. It's too good to be true.
Somebody wants something from me. Do you know what I'm saying? You're gonna start questioning. Then you start getting worried. Then you get insecure. Then you start to get controlling. Then you start to spiral. And all these things happen because you want to push them away.
You want to push them away because you're just scared of getting hurt because you've been hurt your whole life, and you can't deal with it anymore. Because nothing good can come into your life again.
Right? Think about it. Think about those times. you know, like, maybe there's somebody that came into your life. It's a relationship. I hate going to relationships only. But I'll go into another example.
But like, say, this dream person comes into your life. I'm going to call it like McSteamy, just like Grey's Anatomy. Whoa! Like it could be a like an amazing woman. Amazing man! It can be me amazing Non-binary person. Amazing person comes into your life. Okay.
Whoa! Like, rocks, your whole world.
And then you're like, wait a second. Are they the tinder swindler? Are they? You know, just asking me for money. Do you think they want to be with me for what? Because you're gonna start to have all these little insecurities about you come out.
You're just going to come up. You're going to think about it. You're going to start to say things. You're going to look at yourself in the mirror. And then you're going to start to cause some drama.
Push them away. It's so much easier for you to push him away and go, I don't know he was a Dick, anyway. Oh, you know, like she's fucked up so like it's so much easier for us to deliberately sabotage something that's good and push them away than to allow us to be vulnerable and allow things to flow.
Because there's no certainty in that right? There's certainty in like, if I fuck up this relationship I can just blame them for it to not work out. It'd be easier for me to be angry with them than for me to allow myself to be vulnerable with the chances of being hurt again.
Because we don't feel like we're worthy of it. We're not deserving, and we're so scared. This is why we do this self sabotage. We don't trust things because we're so scared. We've been hurt so much.
But how could we relish, and let the good things flow in and feel good, and feel worthy to have this love. You know promotion at work, you know. Change in life that's even better. And, like, you know, even just likechanging our body like to be more healthy and and allowing this good stuff to come in.
If we just it's just something we need to think about for a second, why do we push away something that's so good? How can we feel like we deserve it.
And if we go into what to do. It's just so like this is the thing like the reason why this topic came up at all. I was talking to my partner because I was reflecting on, you know, they had dinner with some really inspiring people, and they're talking about the relationships, and you know. How did their exes prioritize them in their life? Oh, you know his work, then his hobbies, then his mom and his siblings, and then our children are all ahead of me.
So I was priority number 10, right? And then I had a talk with my partner, and I'm like. where would you like us to be in terms of prioritization. Do you expect each other to be like number one, you know, like, what if there's children. What do you think of that? And then she was like, oh, absolutely, you know, I'd want to be considered and and thought of when you're making decisions and prioritized like, because we're like, you know, a unit, a family unit.
And me, I'm like. And then she's like, Well, what about you? And I'm like, I'm okay with a 4 or 5.
You don't believe it. She was just like she literally like, even though it was dark. Her eyes were like bulging... 4 or 5?
She's like, why would you say that instead of saying that you would be at the top?
And then I pause for a second, and I think about it, you know I'm like, Oh, I shouldn't ask to be ahead of her job. Oh, I shouldn't be asked to be, you know, considered ahead of her friends and her family and other things in their life when she's making decisions on prioritizing things in her life.
But in in a second she did not hesitate when she had her answer. But then for me, I was okay to be Number 4 or 5, and then she asked me why, I didn't think I could be thinking of myself as Number One or at the top. And it was like, Oh, I feel guilty right, you know I feel guilty about those things. But then, when I responded to her, I said, I've never been someone's priority.
I'm going to let this sink in because I want to feel me saying that for a second, and I want you to say it too, if you feel that same way. And I think I talked to her about it, too, like when I think about like family stuff, or sometimes with friends, or like people that have come and gone. And then it's just like I don't know if I've ever been important to somebody. Until I met her.
I was always parked behind somebody else's wants and needs.
And like to feel like you're important to somebody like where somebody thinks about you, think about and check on your feelings, like, you know, like I just had. I had surgery not that long ago, like how many people have checked in on me there, like you want to know that somebody thinks about you. It could be your parents. It could be your friends or family, like, you know, extended family coworkers, whatever people you interact with.
And that's that's the part that's hard.
You know, how could you feel worthy or deserving if no one has ever thought of you as important? And I mean, I'm like seeing it's like, so it sounds almost dramatic. But then it's like sometimes when I when I look at things of you, know, if I think about it, maybe I'll be like, of course, you know, but sometimes some people need to see it either through actions or words. And people need to feel like they matter. And it's not about external validation. It's just that sense of knowing, you know.
But if you've been told when you're a kid that you wish you never had you like you don't even check in or don't like. I could have been dead right. And then people don't really check in. It just fucks up your view of being worthy being worthy of anyone feeling like you're important or like it fucks up your idea of feeling worthy for someone to love you, that's another podcast I want to talk about later on is like being lovable and that's messed up.
Because I know within myself about how I feel about myself. But then, when I do talk about it, when it comes to other people.
It's it's so different. So that's why this topic came up today. And it's you're not alone with that struggle of feeling worthy and deserving.
So I'm going to need this checklist that I just made of things to do. So I hope you do this with me because we're going to grow together here, and this is the journey right, no matter how much I do for self love and self-care, and like reflection. I still need to allow myself to let this good stuff flow in.
And coming into a relationship that I that I'm in now, after coming out of one that was so horrific, horrific. You'll hear that story, too. But allowing her to be herself to give in the way she does.
It's the journey still. like I'm so lucky I'm so thankful. But like feeling worthy that you can be actually treated like a human being.
It's so hard. When you are beaten down. You are like hurt from so many people, and then, when that person or people come into your life, and they're so great, and they're genuinely good.
It's still a journey for you to allow them to do that. And then you sit there. I want you to reflect on this cause. There might be somebody in your life that's come in. A friend, like a mentor, a colleague, or someone you need to meet on your journey, and you sit down, you go. Wow! This person really cares about me.
I'm deserving and worthy of that. I've been waiting for something like this for so long. Maybe I've complained about it forever, and then when they're here, they show up at your door. What do you do right? So take a minute for that. Let that sink in.
And let's go and think about what we can do to help us feel worthy worthy to allow some of this good stuff to flow in. I'm not going to say it's going to be 100% like you're going to allow 100% yet, because it's going to be a journey. And it's going to take some steps. Okay.
So get your journal out and write some notes down. There's a transcript, anyway, like, if you're like me, I'll just read the Transcript when it when it gets posted, so I can just cut and paste.
But first you need to start to do a reflection. Really reflect on your life, and when I do some of my workshops I talk about the art of witnessing. And that's really a technique that I really strive to do. It's hard. You know, when I think of whenever I think about the art of witnessing, I think about my meditation instructor when she taught me, and she's like, think like a meditator. Because, you know, a meditator would sit down and not have attachment to things, allow things to flow right? So when you're witnessing of behavior or something that's happened.
Think about like, let's start to think about our past for a moment. Let's just reflect. And when we're witnessing it, we're going to observe. with no attachments. We're not going to go and fall in the rabbit hole. We're just going to see as if we're like a third party seeing something happening outside like a witness to an incident. So you're going to witness the behavior that that happened that you did.
And and just really step back and just acknowledge it like, okay. So in terms of the self sabotage here. Like, let me just go to witness.
I guess that that incident when I talked about being a 4 or 5. Okay, so I'm gonna witness. Okay, so we're having that conversation. Stephanie says I'm going to be a 4 or 5, when you know when Christa was talking about number one, why wouldn't you want to choose to be Number One. I'm going to witness the feelings that I was going through at that moment, or the emotions that were flowing through me.
I had to pause for a second.
Feeling guilty like I experienced guilt going through, you know, it really caught me off guard, you know. Try to list What's going on there? No attachment, even if it's like emotions or feelings, or whatever. Just put it down.
Ok, these are things that are identifying you. These are the things that have been learned or programmed behaviors that you have. We're just witnessing what that is. So now that I know that that was it? I'll step back and see. What do I need to learn from?
But what did I learn about me just now? Wow! I really feel guilty to be prioritized in somebody's life. Wow! I probably feel like I don't deserve to be someone's number one.
Because even if I'm somebody's number one doesn't mean we're going to be like having this severely codependent relationship or something. It's just like, you know, you could be somebody's "important" like it could be important to somebody.
You don't have to go in and think about it and dive in deep. So it's like, Okay, well, I have an issue with that. Why? Because I probably don't feel deserving. I didn't feel like I was important to anybody in their life.
I was not used to being prioritized or being important.
So like I need to, What do I do for next time? Take a minute to pause when a question like that is asked. Sit into that emotion of feeling guilty?
Why am I feeling guilty for? And then ask yourself, Stephanie. do you deserve to be Number One in her life?
Right? So then, this is like kind of the witnessing part. Write it down like kind of journal about it. It could be. Other things you can witness is like other areas you self sabotage about.
Look at those relationships like you know what he was a really great guy that I dated.
You know, like it's like saying: He was really great. What happened in that relationship? What were things that I did that were a form of self-sabotage to push him away?
Listen, don't attach. You don't have to beat yourself up about it. Don't be like Oh, my God! I lost love of my life... I'm talking about. We're just witnessing the behavior so we can learn and move forward from it and not do it again. so we can see the opportunities as they're coming in. We can see the good stuff, allow them to flow in. So this is really what I'm talking about. So you really need to understand and see where this plays out in your life. Where does it play out in your life where you feel like you're unworthy? You don't allow good things to flow. Where do you self-sabotage? What's causing it. Where did it start from?
You can use the practice of witnessing to do that.
And another thing you can do. I know it's easier said than done. I want you to give yourself permission to allow that good stuff to happen.
Even if it's a conscious act. You're like, Oh, wow! This person is really coming in to help me. Now, I'm going to allow them to help me. Okay, just boom. But it is hard to allow. Because we are the gatekeepers. Se're stopping from this good flow to happen like.
Just visualize yourself in a black room. It's so dark because everything sucked like, you know, you're in a dark place. Things aren't going great, but there's this tiny little hole. A tiny little hole in the wall like a pinhole, and there's this little white light coming through.
But I'm talking about not giving yourself permission to feel that good stuff like light. What, you're really going to go and get some plasticine or putty or clay, and plug that hole up so you can just sit in the dark. Or do you want to go in by that hole and just kind of poke at it and make it bigger. Allow it to come through. And then just shower yourself in that light. Right?
Okay. So try to give yourself permission. Well, sorry. Give yourself permission to try trying to let the good stuff in trying to allow little things start small like. Oh, I love the kindness of strangers. Right? I'm gonna allow this person to feel the joy of helping me by holding the door open. There's one thing right. I am worthy for someone to let me walk in first before me, holding the door open for them.
Start with that. I know it's cheesy. Allow yourself to like to give yourself permission to give to you that you're deserving. So let's say we're at a restaurant, and you always let your partner order first. Allow yourself to order first.
Right, allow yourself to take initiatives to decide what you're going to eat for dinner. You don't have to keep accommodating for other people because you are deserving of first dibs. Okay? First Dibs.
You go at it.
Try the small things first. Because the whole idea is that all this stuff could happen to you, but you have to be the person to allow things to come in or not allow it to come in. So you know that you're great at not allowing good stuff to come in.
So I want you to just flip it around the bad stuff you're going to start to work on, not allowing that to come in, you're going to start to embrace more of the light, the good stuff. And you know, when you're really struggling with that stuff like you feel guilty. You're kind of it feels like you're kind of like teetering. You're just, I think of it like double Dutch. You're just like, do I jump in and get in there, or do I not? So you're like going back and forth.
If you don't do double Dutch skipping, it's just kind of like, I don't know just trying to participate in something. If you have a group circle or something, you're just like standing on the sidelines, and you're watching everybody having fun. You're like, do I come in, or do I not? Or like those dances? And you just jump in and go in it? Okay, anyway, I'm just sidetracking now.
But, like, give yourself permission to do it even a little bit. Try it. You know. We just might be holding ourselves back from something that's so transformational in our life.
You don't have to perpetuate this abuse that you've been experienced your whole life like where you felt like you were unworthy, and you were told that you weren't worthy.
You can be the person who brings that worth into your life and you know, when you're struggling, too, like, think about that thing I talked about. It is what it is.
Is it gonna be? Is it? It is what it is. Do you want to live your life settling for whatever's dished out on you like are we just people who are just, I think about that. I talk about the analogy to do. We want to live your life like as if you're playing dodge ball?
And dodge ball is a game that children play where they throw balls at each other. There's 2 teams across the gym. So do you want to be that kid that's constantly being thrown balls at like people are just hitting you like. Oh, God, there's Steph! She's perfect! She doesn't run. I'm gonna hit her in the face. Do you want to be that person?
Because if you are that person who it is, what it is you're going to deal with, dish out what you get, because that's what you're worth. You feel that you're worthy of all these balls hitting you. Oh, my God, that's so funny!
Think about it. You have to take the initiative to allow yourself permission to not get hit anymore to allow the good stuff to feel good. And maybe when maybe you're dishing out those balls and hitting other people right?
So give yourself permission to allow good stuff to happen. Start small. Yes, I will take that whipped cream on my latte. Thank you. Right. Okay.
Allow some good stuff to come in. You're worthy. And you know I'm going to shut off with the last thing that I suggest for you to do. And it's all about this I know people might be like, oh, it's a little whoo-whoo for me, but I don't know. I can get into the science around this. But about affirmations.
You know your words have a vibration to them. I'll get into that spiritual stuff someday. But really, when you're starting to say things out loud. it's going to register through your ears, into your mind, into your subconscious, okay? And our brains aren't smart enough to distinguish what is real in front of you, like reality versus your imagination, too. So if you incorporate visualization while you're doing these affirmations, it will help you a hell of a lot more.
So I'm going to give you 4 that you can do and start to say them. Start to tell yourself this. Just imagine, these affirmations are as if those people in your life who told you all those negative things over and over and over again. It's the same thing, except that these ones are good and those ones are bad.
So you can imagine, if you've been listening to the same shit from your mom for 41 years, all these negative things you're going to have to do a good job of counteracting that with some affirmations. Okay, so I'll take a moment and then I can say it. Maybe you can repeat after me. and feel into the words
So repeat after me.
I am worthy of love.
I am valuable.
I love myself.
I deserve happiness.
Feel into those words.
And then, if you take it to the next level, I want you to visualize yourself being in love. Being so worthy like. Oh, my gosh! This person is incredible feeling all those butterflies in your stomach.
You know, when you're just. Your face is so grinny like you're getting wrinkles all over. Or like you feel valuable like everybody is just, you know, you feel like you're you're really putting out some good into the world like you're doing something great. Or you're like you're feeling so in love with yourself. You just smile at yourself in the mirror, just like, Oh, my God, you're so fucking awesome Steph, right?
Or, you know, feeling that overwhelming happiness because you deserve it like, what would you be doing? Would you be skipping around on the beach, barefoot, spinning around your arms out.
Ha! Ha! Because you're so happy. You know, like fuck, I can't believe this is my life. Want you to say that to yourself.
Because you're worthy of it.
And I know we went over a lot of stuff. Okay? So the problem with worthiness, why we don't let to allow the good stuff to happen. What are we going to? What happens? And how does that manifest out in our life with self sabotage, not trusting people like having that energy that's really tight, not allowing people in living of, you know, with the saying, it is what it is, right, and then and then what to do.
But when it comes down to it, you may not think of it right now.
But when you talk to other people you are like probably their biggest cheerleader you'd be seeing things to them that are positive about their self-worth, their deservingness. How much good they should have in their life, you would say that to the moon, because I know that you're a good person.
But he'd never say it to you. That's why I'm here. I want you to remember this. Okay?
You are worthy.
Even if you were told from the day you were born, that you were a mistake. They you were not loved. You're not deserving of love. Not deserving of joy, happiness, and success.
I want to tell you that you are.
Fuck everybody right? Because this is your life. Do you want to choose to live, you know, another decade in this prison that we create for ourselves.
Or we don't allow that little speck of light in.
You're sitting here listening to a podcast about this stuff. You know what's good for you.
And they know you still like, I know. it's going to be hard to understand that you're deserving.
But you are. This is your life. This is your journey. Even if you think that you can't make choices, you can. You can choose a lot in your life.
Some circumstances might be tough to change.
But you can make that decision that you deserve better. You deserve more. You can deserve the love that you've been looking for. You can deserve you loving yourself, you're worthy of that.
You're worthy of happiness and feeling good sometimes you're worthy of getting some time to relax. You're worthy to have some joy and laughter. You deserve to feel good.
You deserve to take care of yourself before some other people.
You deserve to have uninterrupted coffee in the morning. Ok.
Some people are gonna live their life hoping that, you know. Like a parent or something would acknowledge them, and you'd feel like you're worthy someday. But that day may never happen.
And sometimes, depending on the people in your life. They're going to say, oh, you have only one parent. You have to be nice to them. You have to make sure you do this. Okay, just park those things. Okay, you're not gonna listen to it right now.
Because you have to take a minute for a second and understand your own worth. This is feeling worthy is something that you choose for yourself, not based on anybody else's definitions, not based on any other people's opinions.
You decide. If you're worthy or not.
You get to decide if you can feel good again, you get to decide. And you deserve the ability to do that.
A lot of people aren't going to change, and they're just going to have those same opinions. They can live. and they deserve the you know, the life that they've chosen for themselves.
But you don't have to be stuck with it.
You weren't a mistake.
You're here for a reason.
You're here on this earth for a reason, and some day, when you are able to take that moment. Go, wow! I'm really deserving of a lot. You're gonna be somebody's role model someday, they're going to see what you've been through, and what you've accomplished for yourself. It doesn't mean it's stuff or material worldly things, just the way that you carry yourself and the way you live your life from now on.
You're going to be somebody's role model. You're worthy of that. And you're okay. You're allowed to feel good.
So I feel a lot better. And you know, like, I talk about like how this podcast also helps me in this journey as we're doing this together. So I'm gonna do that stuff like, I said, reflections, giving myself permission to try things.
Doing some affirmations. I just want to thank you for your presence and listening. Today being real, I want to hear your story. I want to hear some ideas that we can talk about together.
You know I'm I'm happy to do some interviews and bring some people on who've had some transformations, too, while they started to connect with themselves, to be themselves, living more authentically. So until next time. Take care.